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Notes on My Memorial Service & Rebirth

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Garden Management Journal January 15, 2014; 12:23 pm

 



Tonight is the full moon.  The date is January 15, 2015.  I just came in from the backyard.  I took photos of seeds in a basket that I would like to believe was made by a Native American Tribe, more likely the basket is from an Indigenous Tribe in Africa.  We are in a severe drought, one of the worst recording in California History. Tonight, I will participate in a Full Moon Rain Dance, and I am preparing.  In the basket I placed a container with rain from the last season.  I have four packets of seeds in the basket.  Three are prototypes for the Grow A Healthier Pizza Starter Kit that I would like to launch in Spring 2014.  The fourth is a Packet of San Marzano tomato Seeds, in a package that says “Label GMOs.org.  It’s Our Right to Know.”  The package within a plastic containing has two dried San Marzano tomatoes that I grew from the Original Seeds that inspired my journey to the National Heirloom Expo in 2012.  These dried tomatoes went with me on the journey in my 68 VW Van from San Diego to Santa Rosa that year.  The tomatoes were growing in a pot.  Later when the pot came home, the plants began to produce the tomatoes.

The picture in the basket is an old one.  It is a photo that I had taken at Professor’s Park in Tecate, Mexico.  I was just learning to walk without crutches after hip revision surgeries.  The shoes I took off and placed near the crutch.  It was a big deal for me to get up from the ground without a crutch during that time.  Today, I can get up and down easily about 13 years later. I want to remember that I have gotten up from the ground and found my strength many times in my life. This is one of those times when I need to claim that strength.

 

Uphill Journey of Faith

 

 

I have been in deep stress and fear the last days, and for a number of weeks. I have not been sleeping well.  I have had repeated early morning bouts of anxiety.  Last week,  I had more on my plate that I could handle.  Both funding my work for the year 2014 as well as dealing with house issues were up. When I talked to Lurrae about how much I had on my plate,  she saw a metaphor of Two Pies.  One Pie was my work in the world that I fund through sponsors, most that are here as Ads on this Plant Your Dream Blog WordPress.  The second Pie represented the issues around the house.

Events at the house are feel near impossible to resolve at once.  I decided late in December to approach this condition one piece at a time.  Thus came the metaphor of the Two Pies.

Late in December Nadine, my partner, was making a pie.  It included Purple Sweet Potatoes. It was mostly organic.   I tasted her pie, but was not going to eat too much. I am restricting my diet to get regulate my bowel.  As a New Year Ritual, I decided to make another pie. This was the first pie I have ever made.

Restarting My Life

I was hand grinding Kamut® Ancient Khorasan wheat into flour as 2013 turned to 2014.  Then, on the second Friday of the new year, with the help of Anna and Nadine,  I took the Risen Sourdough that originally came to Mel Lyons from Barry Cogan, once a local farmer in San Diego,  and mixed it with the fresh ground ancient wheat.  I was glad to see that the dough would rise.  The starter had been in the refrigerator form many months. The metaphor from taking the starter, that felt cold and dormant, and mixing it with fresh ancient grain flour, is a metaphor for the restarting of my life that is needed now.


The Funding is happening; the House Pie is Now foremost on my plate.



The funding checks for the world I want to do this year are starting to come in.  I have two so far. Each check I receive feels like a big moral victory.  I was stressing over funding, and reaching out at a time when I wanted to commit to my year projects.  Each check is like a pat on the pack, and has required a lot of perseverance to finally work through the communications that were needed.

One of my sponsors, a regular for many years, did not respond to three of my December emails or phone messages.  I began to read messages into this.  My head was running away with me.

I applied patience.  I also woke up on different days, with so much going on, that I declared and resolved that I would get completes on those days.  I had breakthroughs on the days I set intentions.


The House Pie


The House Pie is a real nail biter.  I am the manager of an old house on a 1/3 acre not far from San Diego State University.  I live with seven others.  In the olden days,  when people lived in the Country outside the City,  sometimes people would live at least one mile a part.  I have always thought this was because they needed that much psychic space between them and others.  Here we are attempting to live together in an old house with so many bedrooms and structures.  Living like this stretches the limits of what can be called a Cooperative Living Experiment.


Barry Cogan, the farmer who gave Mel Lyons the Old Starter of Sourdough, was running a Microfarm outside of Escondido.  He had numbers of helpers.  He needed them.  He broke some of the rules of the city in order to be a micro farmer in this urban setting.  He once told me that he thought he was doing an important experiment that needed to be done.  It was really quite an idyllic farm he helped create.

Similarly,  I believe the Enchanted Garden Intentional Community is an important experiment that needs to happen.  We are in a time when many people, both for economic as well as social needs,  are exploring living together in home grown community.

I would have to say, that at 66, I have done my best to survive in this cooperative model, and to some extent I have succeeded as well as failed. I have broken some rules.

The failures are all up for me now.  They are reflective of my personality flaws, and gratefully through the Grace of my spiritual values,  the house still stands.



My Paralysis

Notes for My Memorial Service & Toward Inspiring My Rebirth


The most positive thing I can say now, is that this house and the household needs Re-Invention.  I have been saying that for weeks and weeks.

The last week has felt like a near death experience.  The truth as I have been seeing it, is that the combination of people living here now cannot survive as we are now.

They way things stand now, I need to admit that the attempt to living this way for me is a killer.

The formula for making the rent depends on so much rent being raised each month.

My healthiest tenant, who sets a standard for me for a healthy direction for the house,  will not continue to live here long range with the current mix of tenants, or under the present circumstances.

He has lived here one year.  Things came to a head in December.  There was a blow up.  Many important issues were raised.  I do not want to see him leave.  I want to see shifts made, and some of these shifts are extremely stress producing.  They will mean some radical other shifts and up to this morning, I did not see how my way through the needed shifts.

Where does the Memorial Service fit into my thinking?

I want to write about how I was feeling this morning, and what I did about it, but first I want to write about an idea that came up while I was talking to Lurrae.

One thought that is clear:  The Way I am Living Now Here is Killing me.

The second is that I prefer not to die through this experience.

The third is, why post pone my Memorial Service to after I am dead?

I would rather attend the event and celebrate the moment, as well as clearly let it be known what is killing me.

More soon…

the water man is here….


Garden Management Journal, January 16, 2014,10:28 am

I have been writing in bed for a number of hours, attempting to get my mind clear.
I want to build up my clarity for the Action that is needed. I cannot put off taking Action too long. I would like the Action to be done with Tranquility; however, I am feeling great stress. Last week at the Farmers’ Market, there was the undercurrent of stress holding me back. Then again on Tuesday, the very sight viewing the automobile for the Housemate I need to address, ruffled my feathers. I was in a shocked state during the acupuncture treatment. I could not remember the work I needed to do at the school. It was another split.
 
My Advisors are stepping up to the Plate with me.

My advisors are stepping up to the plate with me. I had two powerful sessions both with Judith Larkin Reno, and Lurrae. I want to reflect on the essence of those experiences, that are reflected in the Raw Notes Below that are not intended to make sense to anyone at this point.

One of the Messages that Judith said was: I have come to far to give fear real estate in my mind.

I deeply need to reflect on this: I have come to far to give fear real estate in my mind.

I need to stop now, to call Ariella Shira. I promised I would work with her.

I want to get back to this. I am at a point of resolve. I cannot afford the luxury of resisting taking action too much longer. The cost is expensive. My work in the world is dependent on me taking action soon.

Between me and the full expression of my success, is getting beyond what is up at the house.

Bingo on that one.

More soon.
10:38 am
January 16, 2114

PAUL BRENNER ON FEAR

RAW NOTES

Published, January 15, 2014; 12:11 pm

 

 

This morning of the Full Moon is a break through day

 

10:00 am

asked how did i get such a wonderful friend?

devoted to you,

inspired by my resilience.

wake up with the motivation to serve humanity and if i feel i am bot doing that,
in the emotional place then the first thing on my agenda is to get to that place–

i couldn’t what my project was at the–

steady up hill bout

just get to the expo,
major—

breakfast–

objective–

stress–
frey wineyard…

five vw

boderkinr miraculous—

challenging…

the house —

how to get through this–

my ongoing challenge since know  me

need a long term solution

something that will work–

ally

a higher quality tenant —

he won’t stay–pasis here–

journey–

legacy–

written out my own over comings–

curezone acknowlefdnent–

studies of personal writing—

2005—

what i do here–

steven markowitz  —

last year the lack of health—

got always telling what to do….

last year my body was telling me what to do…
and i dud not like it—

disease whwer age quickly—

time to write to Deborah–

a few minutes a day–

intention to be an example  for those going through challenges—

healing journey–

my heroes–

carries by love and goodwill my so many people–

a dying period–

advice that judith gave me–

lifetime counserlors….

through her devotion to life she is still still alive Facebook–

put

followed tell her

obit–

why should we wait until we are dead to have our funeral?

tell —  memorial service–

difficylut memoerial?

a couple good song writers–

judith —

said—

she is tough cookie–

win by running circles around people–

‘incredible quality of resilience and perseverance–

takes longer to do things

a hige quality

wake up and push through…itm l

repettive pattern of the house

loosing my best tenet–

someone is disturbing the chi of the place–

sometimes remedies–

what

ken
he ha no skin… hypersensitive–to his environment–
everything stresses him–

something out of balance–

with b
P

anything you can put in your body—

computer silicone  valley–

connection–

connects b m s—–DE

nadine disturbance–

remember magnetic

either i am inspiration, or fearful…

THE LIVING
WILL

what are my wishes–
save

who makes my decisions

health care

end of life directive—

what

ken small–

the situation in the house is killing me–

too old for thuds–

sourround P with

medical intuitive–

eva find a new place–

pain in the neck

two book talks–

two pies—

where book talks–

house pie —

one piece crunchy–pulverize it—

blend in–

thurdagay and friday0—

10:53 am

gets supportive messages from the angels

sprae on death and dying–

the living will stuff

9:27 am
full moon

well that was interesting!

I took the morning off from stress for the last hour or more and concentrated on not stressing thanks to sound blockers and FES formulas od five flower essence and flora sleep.
This was not my M.O.

allows   his fargwefatherallies

tabgled in the lives of 7 people too much

can’t do any more

living here is a istraction  from my life,
7:42 a,

honest feelings up

readout  full moon

all bugged;  8:10   out approx

8:33 am the patient is resting comfortably. with sound blockers.
on

looking around for my anxiousness  8:34 am

using flora sleep and five flower essence

full moon..

8:37 am

tired of stressing…relatively no stress feeling nowJanuary 15, 2014;12:01 pm
10:00 am

asked how did i get such a wonderful friend?

devoted to you,

inspired by my resilience.

wake up with the motivation to serve humanity and if i feel i am bot doing that,
in the emotional place then the first thing on my agenda is to get to that place–

i couldn’t what my project was at the–

steady up hill bout

just get to the expo,
major—

breakfast–

objective–

stress–
frey wineyard…

five vw

boderkinr miraculous—

challenging…

the house —

how to get through this–

my ongoing challenge since know  me

need a long term solution

something that will work–

ally

a higher quality tenant —

he won’t stay–pasis here–

journey–

legacy–

written out my own over comings–

curezone acknowlefdnent–

studies of personal writing—

2005—

what i do here–

steven markowitz  —

last year the lack of health—

got always telling what to do….

last year my body was telling me what to do…
and i dud not like it—

disease whwer age quickly—

time to write to Deborah–

a few minutes a day–

intention to be an example  for those going through challenges—

healing journey–

my heroes–

carries by love and goodwill my so many people–

a dying period–

advice that judith gave me–

lifetime counserlors….

through her devotion to life she is still still alive Facebook–

put

followed tell her

obit–

why should we wait until we are dead to have our funeral?

tell —  memorial service–

difficylut memoerial?

a couple good song writers–

judith —

said—

she is tough cookie–

win by running circles around people–

‘incredible quality of resilience and perseverance–

takes longer to do things

a hige quality

wake up and push through…itm l

repettive pattern of the house

loosing my best tenet–

someone is disturbing the chi of the place–

sometimes remedies–

what

ken
he ha no skin… hypersensitive–to his environment–
everything stresses him–

something out of balance–

with b
P

anything you can put in your body—

computer silicone  valley–

connection–

connects b m s—–DE

nadine disturbance–

remember magnetic

either i am inspiration, or fearful…

THE LIVING
WILL

what are my wishes–
save

who makes my decisions

health care

MY END OF LIFE DIRECTIVE

end of life directive—

what

ken small–

the situation in the house is killing me–

too old for thuds–

sourround paris with

medical intuitive–

eva find a new place–

pain in the neck

two book talks–

two pies—

where book talks–

house pie —

one piece crunchy–pulverize it—

blend in–

thurdagay and friday0—

10:53 am

gets supportive messages from the angels

sprae on death and dying–

the living will stuff

9:27 am
full moon

well that was interesting!

I took the morning off from stress for the last hour or more and concentrated on not stressing thanks to sound blockers and FES formulas od five flower essence and flora sleep.
This was not my M.O.

allows   his fargwefatherallies

tabgled in the lives of 7 people too much

can’t do any more

living here is a istraction  from my life,
7:42 a,

honest feelings up

readout  full moon

all bugged;  8:10   out approx

8:33 am the patient is resting comfortably. with sound blockers.
on

looking around for my anxiousness  8:34 am

using flora sleep and five flower essence

full moon..

8:37 am

tired of stressing…relatively no stress feeling now

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